and, uh, that's the shinola on that one.
all right, now i would like
to address this arts funding issue.
now, this all reminds me of a humorous story
of the traveling salesman.
( Clearing throat )
let's say that the taxpayer is a farmer,
and the government is a salesman.
well, the farmer says, "you can spend the night
"in my barn, but do me a favor--
"don't stick your willy into any of the 3 holes
"in the wall."
well, in this case, the salesman's willy
represents the taxpayer's money, you understand.
well, the government, like the salesman,
can't help himself.
sticks his willy in the first hole,
it feels good.
sticks his willy in the 2nd hole,
it feels even better.
sticks his willy in the 3rd hole,
and it hurts like hell, and it won't let go !
well, in the mornin', the farmer comes out and he explains--
"behind the first hole was my wife,
"behind the 2nd hole was my daughter,
"and behind the 3rd hole was the milking machine
"that don't let go until it gets 50 gallons !"
( Laughing )
gentleman, i propose that this arts funding
is like a milking machine, and unless we shut it down,
it's going to rip our dicks right off !
( Audience laughing )
( Announcer ) tonight's show is brought to you
by the new u.S. Government,
improving the arts by severely limiting them.
( Audience applauding )
( Woman ) hey, everybody,
here's bob and david !
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you Very much.
Yes. Hello. Yes.
Thank you. I am bob odenkirk.
Welcome to mr. Show.
My cohost, david cross, Is over there, off-stage.
Hey !
( Applauding )
Ok, now, David refuses
To do the show, so--
Bob, tell 'em. Tell 'em why I can't do it.
Ok, as part of a New government program,
Certain artists have Been assigned senators
To monitor them.
They made me wear This tracking collar.
If david steps On a stage,
It produces a low-level Electrical shock.
It's not low-level. It really hurts.
Well, you know, look, Obviously the show
Isn't that important to you.
So instead, I will be doing
My a cappella version Of the rock opera tommy.
( Clearing throat )
( Audience laughing )
* Tommy, look at me, Tommy, over here *
All right, all Right, i'll do it !
I'll do it, bob !
All right, he's Going to do it.
( Audience cheering )
Come on, come on.
You can do It, david.
( Buzzing and choking )
Come on, it doesn't Hurt that much.
Don't you want it ?
You gotta want it.
( Buzzing )
Ow ! Ow ! All right.
Ok, let's start With the baseball sketch.
( Screaming )
All righty,
Here you go.
Ow !
( Buzzing )
Ok, well, it's a Beautiful day here
At the old ballpark.
Here comes a vendor.
Peanuts and Cracker jacks.
Jesus, bob, It hurts.
( Buzzing )
( Static interference )
Let's see, i'll have Some, uh-- oh, my god.
david, david, it's me, sen. Tankerbell.
Senator, please-- The collar, please.
oh, hold it, let me get that for you .
( Beeping )
uh, there, that should take care of it.
Thank you. Thank you.
you're welcome.
now, you know, you're supposed to tell me
before you get on a stage.
Yeah, sir, i'm sorry,
I thought you Were out of town.
I thought you were gonna be--
well, i am. i'm very busy.
with all you artists, i'm busier than
a high-priced whore at an electronics convention.
( Laughing )
Right now, i'm in Valdosta, georgia,
For the annual folk Festival and jelly off.
I'm supposed to be Judging art, etc.
Who are you ? What Are you on about ?
Come on.
Well, i'm old swerdlow.
And this is the ozark Mountain tradition
Of song storying.
I'll decide what It's called, old.
Just make with the art.
Well, all righty.
Let's get limber Legs on up there.
* Ol' limber legs went walkin' Down to ol' miller's creek *
* And when he saw That big ol' cow
* He jumped back In the sink *
( Yodeling )
All right, now, stop That, old. Stop it.
I'm very sorry you Had to see this, folks.
Now, uh, old,
Mr. Limber legs ain't Wearin' no clothes.
I find myself to be Aroused and titillated By all of this.
Well, senator, This is a tradition
As old as a Georgia sunset.
Shut up ! Shut up, old.
David, do you see what I have to contend with ?
I've got a naked puppet Doing a lewd, lascivious
Fandango on the lap Of a full-grown man.
( Audience laughing )
I got women over Here, dippin' candles.
A fella over there, He's got a butter churn.
It's like a pioneer Porn shop in here.
Close 'em down, Boys. Close 'em down !
Senator, you're getting A little right of center--
No, that's my Limber legs.
david, tell me about your show.
Well, sir, it's called, Uh, hurray for america,
It's a comedy show.
( Laughs nervously ) It's a--
oh, comedy, then there's jokes, huh ?
Yeah, just jokes, We talk about america
And its greatness, you know.
I wish you Could see it.
oh, i wish i could see it, too, david.
i wish i could be everywhere that people are doing art ,
so that i could see it before the public sees it.
and i could keep them from being titillated or aroused
or in any way confused
By the counterculture.
I wish. But i'm Just one senator.
I wish.
I wish. I wish. I wish.
( Harp playing glissando )
"'I wish. I wish.'
"And the senator Wished so hard
"That he grew Magical wings, and--"
Honey, i think he's asleep.
Look at him.
( Snoring )
( Audience laughing )
Precious old man.
You know, these Books for seniors
Really do the trick--
Colorful drawings, Big printing,
And all their Favorite characters--
Senator tankerbell,
The magical Right-wing senator,
Zim and zam,
The pro golfers In outer space,
Bibley, the little bible,
And his undersea Adventure.
They're all here
In this wonderful Series of books.
( Snoring )
( Softly ) Order now.
( Announcer ) now available in easy-to-swallow caplets.
you're watching the what to think network.
Well, thank you for Joining us today, penny,
And i'll see you at The dallas joy-athon.
And thank you for tuning In to good news today.
You know, if you Watch us tomorrow,
We'll be visiting With burton quimm,
The leader of overcome,
An organization That helps men and women
Renounce the sin Of homosexuality.
If you remember, Burton was first with us
In 1982 as a College student,
When he founded overcome.
Part of the gay Conspiracy is recruitment,
Active recruitment on campus.
They tell people It's all right
To be a homosexual.
And i stupidly Got caught up
In their propaganda, And now i know
That i was just A confused heterosexual,
And...
I'm really who God wants me to be.
We'll hear about Burton's slip
Into temptation
As he was misled By the unrelenting
Homosexual cabal.
Troy, put that goddamn Camera down and join us !
This is about fun !
Come on, get it, girl.
You know what you love !
Whoo-hoo !
( Audience laughing )
Ohh !
Get off !
Hey, ho !
Yeah ! Get in here !
and we'll reminisce about his glorious
Return to the Fold at overcome.
I thought i was happy, But i was miserable.
Now i have a wife...
Let's see a look.
Ok.
And that's me, And that's her.
She's handsome.
Mm-hmm, and we're Working on a family now.
Really are, very hard, Working very hard on that.
This is the real me You're looking at.
That's good news.
Now i just want To help others.
I just want to help.
Then he'll tell Us about his 2nd
Terrible lapse
Into homo-sinuality...
I love all of you.
And about his Triumphant
Re-return To the fold.
It's an aberration.
Believe me, It's not normal.
You're making A choice.
Tell them. Tell them.
You're mak-- You're making a choice.
A terrible, Terrible choice.
We're here for you.
Overcome.
burton will tell us
About his most Recent lapse,
And the lapse he has Planned for august,
Which should take Him to rio de janeiro.
It'll be a glorifying Hour of witness.
I hope you'll join us. I'm dr. Rudy moore.
Now stay tuned for The bible machine.
( Announcer ) Bible machine,
with your host, dr. Don olemite.
Last year, a lost chapter Of the dead sea scrolls
Was unearthed, And perhaps the most
Exciting find Was information on
A 13th apostle.
Now known as the Overlooked apostle,
His name was marshall, And he was considered
By many to be the Premier hypnotist in galilee.
The book of marshall,
Entitled, power, profit and passion
Has shed new light
On some of the Best-loved bible stories.
Blessed are the Poor in spirit,
For theirs is the Kingdom of heaven.
Jesus.
Blessed are Those who mourn,
For they shall Be comforted.
Jesus.
Blessed are the meek, For they shall Inherit the earth.
Jesus. What is it, marshall ?
Jesus, what if i told you That the meek could inherit
Something a whole lot Better than the earth ?
( Audience laughing )
What if i told You that by simply
Applying my Theories of positivity
And corrective thinking,
That the meek could Inherit the will
To do whatever they wanted In their wildest dreams ?
This is good news, Brother marshall,
We shall Discuss it later.
Jesus, you pray A lot, right ?
How many times, when You're at home alone,
Do you say to yourself--
"I wish i lived in A nice house, i wish I had nice things,
"I wish i could lose Those last 20 pounds" ?
( Clearing throat )
Marshall, i'm not Interested in Things material.
Jesus, i used To be like you--
Dirty, smelly, thinking I was the son of god.
( Audience laughing )
Excuse us one second. Marshall, i am The son of god.
And i'm not smelly, either. Well...
Marshall was famous for His after-prayer seminars,
Which encouraged The other apostles
To keep their Feet on the ground
And keep reaching For the stars.
Marshall, go Amongst them,
And feed them from These 5 loaves and fishes.
By a miracle of faith, They will all be fed.
All ye humble Of the earth,
Step up and Claim your fish.
Only 12 drachmas apiece.
No, marshall, don't Charge them anything.
The fish are free, They are a gift from god.
All right, i'll tell You what i'm going to do.
If you act now, ok, The fish and a loaf--
6 drachmas apiece.
No, marshall, just Give them the fish.
Ok, jesus, you Got my back up
Against the wall On this one,
But here's the deal.
If you act now, A fish and a loaf,
And i'll throw In this miraculous
Unleavened bread leavenator.
No, don't applaud For him. No, no, You're fools.
Marshall was also present
At the tomb of lazarus.
Arise--
Jesus, let me try.
Lazarus, what If i told you
That only Losers die,
And the only thing Preventing your Resurrection is you ?
That's it, marshall, I'm letting you go.
Jesus, i'm not only a Certified life changer,
But i am also, Now, a memory expert.
What am i Thinking of, jesus ?
This is good news, Marshall, please Leave your sandals
With sheila on The way out.
( Audience laughing )
We can now read, perhaps, The most moving passage
In marshall's writings--
"The long night of doubt."
God, if you are There, show me a sign.
Be active, not reactive.
( God ) marshall,
listen carefully to my word.
leave everybody alone.
God, ask yourself, Are you happy
Settling for omnipotence ?
( Announcer ) Power, profit, and passion.
offer limited to god and god-like deities.
"Get very excited And speak in tongues."
uh, bob, actually, that's a stage direction.
i think you're supposed to, you know,
get all excited and "bla-la-la," speak in tongues.
Oh !
( Audience laughing )
That'll be fun.
that's ok. a mistake.
( Clearing throat ) Take 2.
"Offer limited to god And god-like deities."
( Speaking in tongues )
bingo ! That was the one, bobby !
that was great.
now, let's knock these other ones out, voice-over king,
Before we go To lunch, ok ?
All right.
"To win, you must be 18 And come in first place."
great. Moving on.
( Audience laughing )
"Offer expires...Now."
zip-a-dee-doo-dah. Next.
"Not to be confused With the disease cancer."
( Audience laughing )
zip-a-dee-ay. Moving on.
( Clearing throat )
"Harber's memory loss Clinic, established in 1952,
"1967, and for the First time, in 1981."
( Audience laughing )
that was a goody. we're moving on.
we're gonna do that disclaimer
about the john tesh album. You got that ?
Ok.
should be on the page.
Sure. ok ?
"Not suitable for Any living thing."
( Audience laughing )
they mean it, too. That red rocks thing is awful.
moving on. Moving on.
"Mr. Pickle's fun-time Abortion clinics--
"We'll bring out The kid in ya."
( Audience laughing )
( Sniffing ) i smell lunch.
one more and we're out of here, baby doll.
All right.
"Globo-chem, we own everything So you don't have to !"
Gentlemen, this isn't Going to work anymore.
Globo-chem owns 29 percent of the globe,
And your company Distributes 1,945
Different products.
Globo-chem produces 83 New products per minute.
But there's a problem.
People don't like Globo-chem and its
2,023 different products.
The perception is That this company
Is a monster. A beast.
A cold, heartless, Smelly behemoth.
Run by a Greedy, fat...
Fatheaded Fatty pants !
A fatso !
Who do you Think you are ?
This company cares !
We were in the People business
When you were In short pants.
( Audience laughing )
My great-great- Great-grandfather
Started this company With one single, rickety,
Leaky, hand-crafted Slave ship...
( Audience laughing )
And a simple motto--
"People selling People to people."
( Audience laughing )
So don't tell Me that i'm fat !
( Audience laughing )
Did--did we Offend you ?
Good.
Now we have Your attention,
And we have to Win you over.
Just like you have To win consumers.
Continue.
Cute, friendly, Loveable--
3 things you are not. But you know who is ?
Pit pat, globo-chem's New mascot !
Pit pat-- A magical, pansexual,
Non-threatening Spokesthing.
Ladies and gentlemen,
We present new ad Campaigns for 3 of your...
3,974 different Products.
Watch.
( Announcer ) bags, bags, bags !
it always seems like you've got
too many bags !
Help me !
you can't just throw 'em away.
now there's new bag hutch.
bag hutch is specially made for bags,
and holds up to 12 bags !
Honey, where are All the bags ?
In the bag hutch.
No shit !
bag hutch, by flix,
a division of globo-chem.
Take it from me, I love you !
( Audience laughing )
Did you see him ? It's pit pat.
Oh, goodness, Isn't he great ?
Here, watch Another one.
( Announcer ) we went to a real ding dong burgers to ask
real ding dong burger eaters what they think of the new
ding dong, king kong, sing song burger.
It's great !
It's so big. It's fucking great.
how about you folks ?
Yeah.
I can feed the whole Family for under $20.
And with the Price of beef
Going through The fucking roof,
That's a deal.
( Announcer ) fellas ?
This cocksucker dragged me Down here, i don't know.
Just eat the Fucking thing !
Fuck you, asshole !
( Audience laughing )
Fuck, this little Motherfucker's tasty.
I told your Fucking ass.
ding dong burgers,
a globo-chem company.
Take it from me, I love you !
( Audience laughing )
See ? He loves you.
What about The swearing ?
Oh, well, here, There's one more.
Goddamn it.
Shit.
Fuck.
Ass.
Shit.
Mother...
Cock...
Fuck !
fucky-fuck-fuck.
( Announcer ) techcorp systems,
another helpful globo-chem company.
Take it from me, I love you.
( Both ) Pit pat !
Hello !
Oh ! ( Laughing )
Ok, we have plans For an animated Children's program,
A breakfast cereal, A line of clothing,
A video game--
Excuse me, Excuse me.
You still haven't Answered the question--
The swearing, what About the swearing ?
Please, let's Stick to one subject.
Ok, pit pat is A magical pixie
Who can fly around--
Wait, you can't have All that swearing,
It's offensive.
Look, lady, i Don't come down
To where you work and slap The dick out of your mouth.
That's it ! You're right, that's it.
That's the new slogan For gramma betsy's
Biscuit powder !
The world of the future Is much cruder than
The world of today.
In 1994, you couldn't Say the word
"Bitch" or "asshole" On tv, now it's ok.
Where do you think we'll Be in the year 2000 ?
Are you interested In staying
On the cutting edge ?
What happened to Gramma betsy ?
She looks like a man.
She is a man.
The fastest growing Segment of our population
Are transsexuals.
They buy and Spend for 2.
Look, the world Is changing.
It's becoming increasingly Difficult to insult people
And thereby get Their attention.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there ?"
"Change." "Oh, come on in."
Oh, i see you brought Globo-chem with you.
Really ? I thought That company was run
By a greedy, fat, Fatheaded fatty fat !
A fat fuck !
Is it ? Is it ?
He's dead.
Good. That's what you wanted ?
Yupperino. Good job, guys.
All right. It's what we do.
Did i kill you ?
Good, i got Your attention.
Hello, i'm david cross, From television's mr. Show.
You know, there Are advertising Agencies like these
All over america, whose Job it is to lie to you.
Don't buy into it.
In fact, don't Buy anything, ever.
You don't need to.
You can make whatever You want at home
Out of hemp.
Hemp is an all-purpose-- See, the government
Doesn't want you To know, but you can Make rope, mayonnaise--
( Bell tinkling )
david, what the hell am i watching ?
Sen. Tankerbell, Is that you ?
up here, david. i've been magically
transformed into a twinkling light.
Oh, boy.
"oh, boy" is right. this show is over.
No, senator, Please, come on--
no, shut your pie hole.
( Punching noise )
Oh !
( Audience laughing )
david, why can't you do a show with merit ?
something with family values ?
Oh, i would if I could. But...
Oh, darn this Counterculture.
It's got me all bugaboo.
( Audience laughing )
that's what they do--
confuse the youth. it reminds me of a humorous story.
see, the counterculture is like a traveling salesman,
and the youth is like a farmer. Well--
Hey, hey, hey, Wait a second, senator,
You just gave me an idea. w-what ?
I'm going to work with You, not against you.
Heh, i got an idea for a Show that's going to knock
Your socks on your ass.
all right.
Come on, gang !
( Audience applauding )
( Announcer ) ladies and gentlemen,
home box office, in conjunction with the u.S. Senate,
presents a house of representatives production.
live from the globo-chem center for performing arts,
The joke-- the musical.
Oh, hello.
( Chuckles )
My, it's been a Hot summer here
In gallagher's corners.
Good of you to All come down.
Well, let's see.
It happened exactly One year ago today.
Seems a salesman's Car had broken down
Over by gallagher's Creek, and he was looking
For a place to Spend the night.
* Where do i go now ?
* My car has broken down
* I'm selling leather Pants in the ozarks *
* Where do i go now ? *
A farmhouse !
* This is the knocking song, I'm knocking on a door *
* Knock, knock, knock, Knock, knock, knock *
* Knock forevermore
* Knockity knock-knock-- *
Stop that infernal Knocking song !
Yes, sir, uh, i'm Sorry. My car broke down.
Might i spend The night ?
Yes, you can.
* Step this way, Right this way *
* See my house
* That's my house, but you Shall not stay in my house *
* You shall stay In the barn *
( Both ) * The barn
* But adhere to This simple rule *
* Hey, don't stick your Dick in these holes *
* Don't stick your Dick in these holes *
* These holes 3
* Are not for thee *
( Audience applauding )
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
That won't Be a problem.
I'm afraid all i Can offer in payment
Are these Leather pants.
Well, i suppose i could Give them to my gay son.
( Laughing nervously ) Very good.
Thank you. Good night To you and yours.
Well, that worked Out quite nicely.
What a kindly Old farmer.
( Chuckling )
Good night, moo cow.
( Audience laughing )
Good night, hay.
Good night...
Holes.
( Audience laughing )
* Do it, do it, Do it *
* Do it, do it, Do it, you know you Wanna do it *
* Come on, mr. Salesman, What do you say ? *
* No way
* He told me That i could not *
* He told me That i should not *
* What would The farmer say ? *
* And what about The moo cow ? *
* And what About the hay ? *
Boo-yah !
* Good god, man, You're weak *
* You're a worm With no will *
* Be bold, son, No one's watching *
* Show some spine, Have your fill *
* What magic lies In wait for you *
* What miracles in store
* Could heaven be On the other side ? *
* Come, open the door
( Both ) * Do it, do it, do it
* You know you wanna do it
* Do it
* Do it *
No !
* I am just a Simple man *
* I sell leather pants
* But now i'm torn By my conscience *
* I sell leather pants
* The kindly farmer said no
* But i want to do it so
* Should i stick my Dick in these holes ? *
* I think i'll stick my Dick in these holes *
( All ) Yeah !
( Laughs )
* Number 1 feels good Oh, yeah !
* You finally Feel alive *
* Go on, now, Try number 2 *
* That one Makes you thrive *
* Now it's time For number 3 *
* The best Of the lot *
* With number 3, You'll make history *
* Come on, give It all you got *
Ow ! Ow !
( Screaming )
( Laughing )
( Rooster crowing )
( Audience laughing )
Oh, my god !
He's still alive ! I told you not to !
I'm sorry, i couldn't Help it. The first Two felt so good--
Each one better Than before,
But this 3rd hole Is killing me.
What's in these holes ? What's in these holes ?
* You don't Deserve an answer *
* But i'll give One anyway *
* Behind the first Hole was my wife *
* That is where She stays *
* The 2nd was My daughter *
* Young and Supple like a fawn *
* The 3rd hole was A milking machine *
* That doesn't quit No. No.
* Until 50 gallons Are withdrawn *
No !
* Yeah
* Withdrawn
No. * Withdrawn *
No !
( Grunting )
( Gasping )
( High-pitched singing ) * Oh, god
( Audience laughing )
* I'm dying
* Knocking at heaven's
* Door
* Knock, knock, knock, Knock, knock, knock *
* Knock forevermore, hey *
( Audience laughing )
* I'm the hated
* Milk machine
* Everybody hates me now
* For doing What i'm told *
* He was trying To be bold *
* Why can't people Keep their willies *
* Out of holes ?
( Audience laughing )
* Where do i go now ?
* This is
* My knocking song
* And days
* Of auld lang syne
* Should auld acquaintance
* Be forgot
* And never
* Brought to mind ?
* Should auld acquaintance--
( Senator ) Good show, everybody.
( Both ) Senator !
It was funny, And it taught us
All an important Lesson about holes.
* And days of auld lang syne
Our director !
* And days of auld lang syne
* My dear
* Oh, days
* Of auld lang syne
* We'll rock n' roll
* A little more... *
* Knockity knock, Knock, knock, knock *
* Knockity knock, Knock, knock *
( Audience laughing )
There you go, Treat yourself.
( Audience laughing )